Jerry, you need to find god
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
