He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
