I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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