Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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