if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
