I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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