he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
