we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
