You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
