my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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