The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
