I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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