He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
