he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
