I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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