we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
