Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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