I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
