You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
