Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
