I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
