Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
