I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
