im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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