i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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