Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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