I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
