she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
