I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
