cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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