Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
