Someone shit on the floor
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
