bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
