My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Randomize
