You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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