when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
