Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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