Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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