She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
