Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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