do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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