every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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