i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
