I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He shit in the fireplace
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
