New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
