I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
