I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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