After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
