you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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