ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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