You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
