Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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